M&Ms, a different kind of candy, the relationships you'd want, and drawing your problems solved
This month in Hit Pause, Then Play, I talk about social ostracisation, polyamory having a moment, six-word memoirs, and drawing to solve problems (because why the heck not?)
š¤ 3 things Iām thinking
1. Being addicted to M&Ms (Pause, Play, Purpose)
Iāve been grappling with something these last few days (welcome, February! Glad youāre here!).
Have you ever been on the other end of social ostracisation (exclusion)? If you are human, at one point in your life - or many - youāve experienced feeling marginalised by an in-group. If you have experienced this many times in your life, I am deeply sorry.
Iāve been reading about the psychological and neurological effects of acute and long-term social ostracisation, and it is devastating. Belonging is a primary human (and primate) need, as many of us realise, and social ostracisation threatens this and other psychological needs (such as self-esteem, control and meaningful existence).
It also unleashes a variety of physiological, affective, cognitive and behavioural responses. Prolonged periods of social ostracisation can affect cognitive functioning, causing difficulties in concentration, memory retention, and decision-making abilities.
Individuals who experience social exclusion may also develop feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, leading to depression and a sense of hopelessness.
The social pain is so poignant that the brain registers it as physical pain, as found in the Cyberball experiment in which an individual is left out of a ball-tossing game. This pain equally affects people of all personality types, no matter how ātoughā they seem to be.
In Cyberball, participants toss a virtual ball or disk with what they believe are two other human players represented by animated characters on a computer screen. When the ball is thrown to the participant, represented on screen by an animated hand, he or she throws it back to one of the other players by clicking that playerās cartoon icon. Some of the participants are āostracizedā: they receive the ball once or twice at the beginning of the gameābut never again. The other participantsāthe included onesāget the ball one third of the time, as you would expect in a perfectly egalitarian game of toss.
One of the things I realise I do when faced with difficulty or disappointment (in my behaviour or the human race - theyāre often connected) is turn to my āM&Mās - which in my personal lexicon stands for Movement-Nature-Meditation (and/or Music). This means that Iāll get up from what I am doing and get out into nature. Youāll find me walking or hiking or running in it for 30 minutes, an hour, 3 hours or 12 (I recently did a second 12-hour walk to reset the year - boy was that awesome!).
When things are really tough, it will be a silent and solo venture, which allows me to meditate and eventually release my thoughts and attachment to outcomes. After almost six decades on the planet, Iāve figured out that my M&Ms are the thing that help me most. When I need an extra boost, following meditation and more silence, and still in movement in nature, Iāll put some music in my ears - and this, my friends, is the āpetit plusā, as we say in French, that puts the pep back in my step.
What is your magic formula - the thing(s) that help(s) you most in times of trouble? My guess is it isnāt M&Ms ā¦ or ā¦ maybe it is?
2. What is it about polyamory that upsets us so? (Pause, Play and Pleasure)
Polyamory (and consensual non-monogamy) is having a āmomentā in the United States. Itās in The New York Times, Vogue, The New Yorker, The Atlantic, and The Guardian; it is the subject of a high-profile memoir, itās being talked about on numerous podcasts (it has for years, but now weāre talking about it even more) and is the subject of a new reality TV show, Couple to Throuple, just for starters.
Polyamory isnāt new, but itās in the limelight, and truth be told, most places I go, and with most people I speak, itās the subject most likely to either raise eyebrows or hands to oneās ears, mouths and eyes. š š š It has been the subject of some of my research for my book on Conscious Relationship Design and is something I am comfortable talking about with people who are polyamorous, people who are curious about it, and people who identify as 100% mono-amorous (or choose serial monogamy). But my comfort doesnāt always assuage the discomfort of my fellow humans.
Why does it upset us so?
One friend explained to me that polyamory introduces the possibility that a human will go unloved, that they will have less love, not more. It introduces the possibility that our partners may desire and fantasise about being with someone else (Spoiler alert: All humans - including healthy ones, and female-identified ones - do. The research bears this out. Humans are interested in other experiences and bodies - whether they act on this interest is another thing.). If we open the door to talking about healthy human interests in novelty and variety, loving more than one human simultaneously or crafting relationships in such a way that one can love, support and care for more than one partner, my friend suggested that the opposite may also be true. Our partners may leave us and we will be alone.
Yep. Thatās scary. It really is.
And thatās a risk mono-amorous folk take every day. Our partners may leave us. Or we may leave them. I am not yet convinced that introducing polyamory into the mix makes that any more possible than before. Polyamory simply normalises a human condition for some - and consensual non-monogamy (which polyamory is) makes it possible to openly, ethically and empathically explore loving more than one person at a time.
In monogamous relationships, where love outside a union is not permitted, we are seeing rising levels of infidelity and divorce rates. This is not new.
When I dive into the research, the thought that a partnerās exploring a relationship outside marriage (be it an emotional, companionate or sexual affair) may not be a moral failing, but a human condition. I know this may be inflammatory for some - and I do not condone infidelity - but rather than have conversations about healthy human interest in novelty and variety along with evolving desires and needs over a lifetime, which is what I make a case for in my work on Conscious Relationship Design, it appears we would rather keep the lid on something, go quiet, and in some cases, privately blame and shame ourselves, our partners and āthat weird polyamorous world out thereā than ask ourselves what weāre afraid of and what we can learn, together.
My view is that love and relating should be conscious, intentional, eyes-wide-open. It can and often is about struggle and sacrifice. I, for example, created a 20-year container (vs a lifelong one) in which I knew there would be struggle and sacrifice and love and commitment and monogamy, as these were my choices to, in the balance, I hoped, provide a stable environment in which to raise a child, and to grow as a family. This was a conscious choice - and one I respect others for, regardless of their relationship model.
My friend may be right, though. He probably, most certainly, is. Weāre afraid of losing love. Of not being the chosen one. The chosen one for life. We are afraid of not being āenoughā. (This is where I want to posit, even scream, for those who are hard of hearing, āYour enough-ness is not defined by a partner, ever. Ever.ā)
But I have been spending hours speaking with and interviewing people in long, stable polyamorous relationships. I have been listening to their stories on podcasts and reading about their experiences in well-written articles. Sure, humans experience relationship obstacles, including jealousy and insecurity, in multiple-partner scenarios - just as they do in pair bonds. Of course, they do, and what Iāve been struck by is the level of communication and empathy and understanding found in polyamorous relationships.
These form the bedrock of successful relationships of all kinds - and for polyamorous relationships to work, these are absolutely critical. Folks in polyamorous relationships have to work harder to keep everyone safe, cared for and loved. They have to be organised, excellent at time management, considerate of each partner, honest, and great communicators, among other things. Itās not easy, but for one individual I spoke with, polyamory was far more stable as a relationship model for him than monogamy (his polyamorous relationship was still fulfilling and wonderful, having lasted for years).
A final point.
My friends in polyamorous relationships are not coming for your partner; they are not coming for you. They (or I happen to think, the media) may be shaking up the status quo a bit - and more people appear to be getting ever more rattled on both sides of the cage as we talk about this - but I believe they are opening - not breaking - us up. They are helping us think outside the box. We may choose to stay inside it, and give the gift of struggle and sacrifice to our one lifelong partner, with love and deep commitment. We may also choose to explore and create new forms of loving for ourselves and each other, together and consensually. The choice is ours, and we can be quite conscious about it.
BONUS: Dan Savage and Rena Martine discuss the very point of what scares us about polyamory along with what love means - and doesnāt mean - in just 2.5 minutes below. Trigger warning: Explicit language is used.
If you are comfortable or interested in learning more about polyamory, you can find some of my research and deeper explorations of it here. More pieces are coming.
3. Six-word memoirs (Play, Purpose)
Imagine capturing the essence of your life story, a profound memory, or a personal philosophy in just six words. This is the art of the six-word memoir, a form of micro-storytelling that challenges you to distil your most significant experiences or insights into their purest form.
Originating from a legendary challenge thought to have been posed to Ernest Hemingway, the six-word memoir pushes the boundaries of creativity and brevity. It's not just about summarising your life; it's about diving deep into your experiences and surfacing with a phrase that resonates wider than the individual self.
These memoirs aren't just statements; they are stories packed with emotion, humour and the raw truths of life, all wrapped up in a six-word package. From classrooms to therapy sessions, and from literary circles to social media platforms, people around the world are embracing this format.
Thinking about my own six-word memoir, it might be something like:
Did it differently and then some.
Now, over to you. What six words would you choose to tell your story? Whether you're reflecting on a life-changing moment, celebrating a triumph or summarising your life's journey, the six-word memoir is yours to craft. If you feel like sharing it, Iād love to hear it.
š 2 things that are inspiring me
šļø What Relationships Would You Want, if You Believed They Were Possible? - The Ezra Klein Show: āIf this is such a significant relationship in my life, why is there no term for it?ā wonders NPRās Rhaina Cohen about a relationship that transcends the language we have available for friendship. Her book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center, is a window into a world of relational possibilities most of us never even imagined existed. Itās a call to open up what we can conceive of as possible. Some of these models might appeal to you. Others might not. But they all pose a question worth asking: What kinds of relationships would you want in your life, if you felt you could ask for them?
š Determined: Life Without Free Will, by Robert Sapolsky: Iāve been reading this book every morning, having just finished a section on the development of the prefrontal cortex and how, as it develops the latest (at age 25 years in humans), it is most affected by environment and social interactions. This morning, I was reading about chaoticism and cellular automata. Have you ever thought about why you think you have free will? Has it occurred to you that maybe you donāt - and that maybe no one else does either?
š„1 spark for you
Take a piece of paper.
Draw you.
Draw you with your problem.
Draw you with your problem solved.
Anything else?
šYou might like one of my recent posts
Beyond the Leash: Collaring and Conscious Relationship Design - Discovering depth in devotion: Collaring as a testament to intention, trust and consent, another alternative relationship practice available within Conscious Relationship Design.
Intimate Technology: Could a Robot Be Your Next Romantic Partner? - Explore a provocative future where love intertwines with technology: delve into the world of sexbots and Conscious Relationship Design, challenging the very essence of human connection.
Crafting Connections: Applying Conscious Relationship Design in Polyamory - The third in a series on Designing Love: Exploring Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy.
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šThank you
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