Exploring Conscious Relationship Design, thoughts on death, regrets and wonderful things
This month in Hit Pause, Then Play, I talk about a new focus for my work, getting one day to relive and more than one life.
🤔 3 things I’m thinking
1. A practical application of the 5Ps (Pause, Play, Passion, Purpose and Pleasure): Conscious Relationship Design
As I was walking the Camino de Santiago at the end of September, I started querying what it would take to bake freedom and autonomy into intimate relationships.
I had been listening to a stranger talk about being divorced and his being able to do what he wanted now. This reminded me of other conversations I had had over the years - with both men and women - expressing a need to do more of what they wanted. This ranged from going on solo trips to planting a vegetable garden to hanging out with the guys over a beer to taking solo time with their ageing parents to writing a book. They couldn’t do these things at this time in their lives - they had their careers and their couple and their kids. There was no real time or space for them to do what they wanted. It also just wasn’t done. Marriage/coupledom was a compromise.
I started to wonder what it would look like if we talked about these things in our relationships - what it would look like to experience freedom and to be able to talk about our wants and desires without fear of disappointing or making our partners feel threatened. What would happen if we created the containers and parameters in our intimate relationships to talk about needing time for self-expression, needing space to “do nothing” (which is something), and/or needing safety in an intimate relationship that would allow us to raise some of the more unspeakable topics - monogamy, evolving emotional and sexual needs, the need for non-sexual touch and affection.
For most of 2023, I have been researching Pleasure, as one of the 5Ps, and learning a great deal about human psychology, desire, the neuroscience of pleasure, human bodies and minds as they cycle through their 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond. I have been studying what makes some humans physically very happy in their intimate relationships and what doesn’t; why pain is closely connected to pleasure (and vice versa); how human desire varies, biologically in cis men and women, homosexuals, bisexuals and transexuals; and how humans through the ages have (successfully) bonded and are (successfully) bonding today.
There is a lot of good news. And there are a lot of things we never talk about.
After some thought, I have decided to focus on this area of my work on Pleasure (and Passion and Play and Pause - and even Purpose) for the next few months.
I will be sharing some of the research and exploring what I mean by Conscious Relationship Design, what it is and how it works.
Warning: Some of the content may surprise or make you uncomfortable. On occasion, I will be writing about controversial and taboo topics (e.g. ethical non-monogamy, BDSM, etc.) as they are part of my research, are topics we don’t talk about at the dinner table and form an important argument for Conscious Relationship Design.
I will not be advocating for your trying the things I’m researching if they are not appropriate or comfortable for you. I will be advocating for our talking about them in our intimate relationships and with other interested adults, however. Research shows that open, non-judgmental conversation around such topics creates more intimacy and trust in intimate relationships (if carried out respectfully, with consent, at the right time and place), not less.
I will include a warning at the top of articles that take us into the more controversial or taboo topics, so that you can decide to delete them and not read them, ahead of time.
All this to say, Conscious Relationship Design will be getting more love from me over the next few months. I hope you’ll join me in the discussion. It promises to be an interesting one.
The first article on Conscious Relationship Design will be coming through in your email presently. I published it on Medium a week ago and from here on out, will be sharing CRD content here. Here we go!
2. You get one day (to relive) (Pause, Purpose and Pleasure)
So, you’re on your deathbed, and I come to you and say, “I will give you the gift of one day to relive. Which one will it be?”
Hmmm. There are so many or maybe a precious few.
To make it a little different, what if your wedding day or the day you gave birth to a child were exempted? What if it were something else?
What would it be?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently. I was lucky enough to have one of those days at the end of September. I wrote about it here.
3. Doing the hard things (Play and Pleasure)
When you're doing something hard, focus on the fun part.
Many people make a subtle mistake, which is they emphasize how difficult it is to do something. They tell themselves writing is hard or running is hard or math is hard. And so on. The dominant thought in their mind is that this is hard to do.
And it is true these things (and many others in life) can be challenging.
Meanwhile, people who thrive in a given area are often emphasizing a completely different aspect of the experience. They are thinking about how it feels good to move their body rather than telling themselves exercise is hard. Or, perhaps, they aren't really thinking much at all. They may slip into a trance during their run, a meditative rhythm.
But what they are almost certainly not doing is repeating a mental story about how hard it is to do the thing. Their dominant thought is about some element of the experience they enjoy. They are working hard, but with the fun part in mind.
- James Clear
✨ 2 things that are inspiring/sparking me
1. 📖 Selfless: The Social Creation of “You” by Brian Lowery (Pause and Purpose)
I’ve just finished this book (Selfless), and so much of it had me thinking over the last month about what and who we are, how we’ve become the humans we are and where we are going next. To close out my reading of the book, I share with you a last quote:
Physical death gives heft and meaning. You appreciate life in part because it’s finite. Each moment is a possibility; that they do not stretch out infinitely in front of you can motivate action as well as fear and resignation. You live well by choosing motivation and appreciation rather than resignation and fear. Death gives you the gift of limited possibility.
2. The regrets of the dying (Pause and Purpose)
Beware the 5 greatest regrets of the dying:
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Cut the cord between guilt and pleasure. Let’s move towards the bigger life.
🔥1 spark for you
Anything else?
✍️You might like one of my recent posts on Medium
Conscious Relationship Design: Reimagining Freedom and Autonomy in Intimate Connections - How can we design for freedom and autonomy in our relationships, where freedom isn’t traded but nurtured? How can we intentionally co-create relationships that allow us to grow and expand? (This piece will also come through via email shortly.)
Walking the Last 100 km of the Camino de Santiago: Lessons for Life - Five days on the Camino taught me some life lessons, including the importance of embracing the unknown, tapping into one’s inner resilience and opening up to life’s inherent surprises.
💡Join me!
Hire me (and the other Captains in Captains of Leadership) to help you lead and facilitate change, growth and connection - If you’d like engagement and impact to be a regular part of your gatherings, let’s work together. If you like the sound of the new workshops I’ve built out for the International Energy Agency and the Cambodia project, connect with me on LinkedIn. Even better, let’s talk.
Sign up for productivity and wellness coaching - What one thing would you like to get done or feel better about? I can help. Let's chat about how. I have 1 coaching spot open.
Support my book - If you’d like to be in the exclusive group of “first readers”, speak with me about your own conscious relationship design practices or have a conversation on some of my book’s more controversial topics, pop me an email. I’d love to pick your brain! Also, make sure you’re subscribed to this newsletter and follow me on Medium. Big thanks in advance for your support … and if you have friends who might be curious about Conscious Relationship Design and/or the 5Ps, spread the joy: share this newsletter!🫶)
🙏Thank you
Thanks for reading. You can get more actionable ideas and links in this free newsletter by clicking “Subscribe now” below. Each month, I share:
3 things I’m thinking related to Pause, Play, Passion, Purpose and Pleasure
2 things that are inspiring me
1 question or quote to spark you
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