When Theology Meets Modern Love: Letter 4 - On Consent, Self-Interest and Moral Responsibility
Letter 4 of a series exploring conscious relationship design through the lens of faith and ethics
Last autumn, I engaged in a profound dialogue about Conscious Relationship Design (CRD) with someone whose theological background brought valuable perspective to these discussions. As we begin 2025, I'm sharing the fourth letter in this series, which delves into some of our most challenging territory yet. A fifth letter will follow, bringing this thoughtful exchange to the close it currently is (this being said, I hope my correspondent will reach out again).
In their fourth letter, my correspondent raises searching questions about the nature of consent and self-interest in relationship design. They challenge whether true consent is possible when our own desires might cloud our judgment, drawing on Thomas Moore's observation about how we tend to see what we wish to see. This leads to a deeper examination of how we evaluate ethical choices in relationships.
They also share a powerful personal story about long-term caregiving for a partner with chronic illness, bringing lived experience to our theoretical discussion about commitment and moral responsibility. Their perspective raises vital questions: How do we balance intellectual arguments about relationship freedom with the raw reality of human vulnerability?
Throughout their response runs a persistent inquiry into the moral dimensions of conscious relationship design. Can we truly separate our intellectual frameworks from our personal investments in certain outcomes? How do we ensure that our pursuit of personal authenticity doesn't inadvertently harm others?
While keeping my correspondent's identity and words private, I'm sharing my response because it grapples with fundamental questions about how we navigate between personal truth and moral responsibility in our intimate relationships. Their thoughtful challenges push us to examine the very foundations of conscious relationship design.
Dear X,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for giving me permission to share our dialogue anonymously. I completely understand and respect your position about named publication, and appreciate your suggestion about framing these important questions more generally.
I'm particularly moved by your sharing about your decades-long commitment to maintaining a stable emotional environment for your partner's well-being. This level of dedication speaks volumes about your capacity for deep care and long-term commitment. As someone with family members who live with chronic illness, I understand the profound impact such conditions have on both the person diagnosed and their loved ones. Your ongoing commitment to minimising potential triggers demonstrates remarkable love and consideration.
Your question about whether it's ever moral to restrain and then hurt someone, even with their permission, gets to the heart of consent and ethics. Consider how we view other consensual activities involving physical challenge or discomfort - martial arts, extreme sports, intense physical training, even medical procedures. The morality lies not in the action itself but in the context of informed consent, clear boundaries and mutual understanding of purpose. Research shows that consensual BDSM practitioners actually demonstrate higher levels of communication skills and emotional awareness precisely because these practices require strong boundaries and clear consent. This counters concerns about "please and appease" dynamics - authentic BDSM depends on participants who can articulate and maintain clear boundaries.
Regarding your observations about academic research and self-interest, you make a valid point about how we all tend to see what we wish to see. However, this is precisely why rigorous research methodology and peer review are important. Recent studies on BDSM reveal complex biological, psychological and evolutionary factors. Pain and sexual pleasure share common neural pathways, and the presence of a trusted partner during BDSM activities can significantly reduce pain perception. This suggests these practices may serve deeper human needs for connection and trust rather than indicating pathology.
Your question about why adults should have to process childhood trauma is profound. In an ideal world, no one would carry such burdens. However, given that trauma exists, shouldn't we support various ethical paths to healing? The paper's careful language about BDSM potentially serving as one way for "some trauma survivors to seek reprocessing and healing" reflects appropriate clinical caution rather than weak support.
This raises broader questions about maintaining promises that require ongoing self-denial versus seeking authentic expression. Can we better serve others if we're also attending to our own authentic needs and growth? Might there be ways to provide stable support while still allowing for personal evolution? These aren't easy questions, and I deeply respect the choices you've made in your situation.
Unlike the biological origins research in LGBTQIA+ studies, BDSM research focuses less on origins and more on outcomes and ethics. Studies consistently show that consensual BDSM practitioners often demonstrate higher levels of psychological well-being and relationship satisfaction compared to control groups. The emphasis remains on ethical practice and clear consent rather than justifying origins.
Your thoughtful exploration of these issues shows why these conversations matter. We're grappling with fundamental questions about human connection, authenticity and care for others. While we might see some aspects differently, I believe these discussions help us all think more deeply about how to create ethical, fulfilling relationships.
Looking forward to continuing our dialogue,
JuliePS Some links that may be of interest: https://academic.oup.com/book/46082 and https://www.psypost.org/the-science-of-kink-how-evolution-might-have-shaped-bdsm-practices/Â
What do you think?
When faced with challenging care responsibilities, how do we balance personal needs with ethical obligations? This letter explores deep questions about consent in BDSM practices and the role of self-interest in how we interpret evidence that supports different lifestyles.
From the intersection of trauma and healing to the complexities of long-term caregiving, these questions touch on fundamental aspects of human connection. How do we navigate between personal desires and our responsibilities to those who depend on us?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Whether you've wrestled with similar questions or have insights to share from your own experience, your perspective adds depth to this conversation about how we design our relationships.
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