Single and Thriving: Exploring Solo Living as a Conscious Relationship Design Choice
Intentional singlehood and conscious relationship design. Can they lead to a fulfilling, remarkable life? The answer is a resounding “Yes!”
The rise of intentional singlehood
Imagine a world where being single isn’t just a temporary state, but a deliberate, fulfilling choice. A world where the question, “When are you going to settle down?” is met not with awkward silence, but with confident enthusiasm about one’s solo adventures. This is the world that Peter McGraw, a professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Colorado Boulder, envisions with his Solo Movement. And it’s a world that aligns beautifully with the principles of Conscious Relationship Design (CRD).
As we’ve explored in previous discussions about CRD, the heart of this approach lies in intentionally crafting relationships that honour our authentic selves, our desires and wishes, and our fears and limitations. It also honours the selves, desires, wishes, fears and limitations of our partners. It’s about stepping back from societal scripts and asking, “What truly works for me (and my partner(s) if I have one or more) at this stage and time of my life?” For some, it might be freedom and autonomy. For some, the answer might be polyamory. For others, it might be a limited-term marriage contract or living apart together. And for a growing number of individuals, the answer is embracing solo living as a valid, vibrant lifestyle choice.
At the heart of CRD is:
- We know what we want and desire
- We are able to describe what we want and desire
- We are able to communicate, co-create and design for what we want and desire as equal partners in a relationship or alone
- We are able to say no to what we do not want and desire
- We are able to re-evaluate and iterate through time and across our life phases
Unpacking the Solo Movement
McGraw’s Solo Movement isn’t about denouncing partnership or promoting isolation. Rather, it’s about recognising that for many, a life without a romantic partner can be rich, meaningful and deeply satisfying. It’s about challenging the notion that everyone’s life story must follow the same plot: meet someone, fall in love, marry, have children, grow old together. What if your story takes a different path?
The movement is built on a foundation of research and personal experiences. McGraw, himself a lifelong bachelor, has spent years studying the science of single living. His work challenges the pervasive narrative that singles are somehow incomplete or unfulfilled. Instead, he argues, singlehood can be a path to personal growth, diverse experiences and profound self-discovery.
It’s crucial to understand that in McGraw’s framework, not all singles are “solos”, and not all “solos” are single. This distinction is at the heart of the Solo Movement. A “solo” is someone who embodies three key characteristics:
Wholeheartedness: Solos see themselves as complete individuals, not halves waiting to be made whole by a partner.
Self-parenting: They can take care of their own needs, skewing towards autonomy and self-sufficiency.
Unconventional thinking: Solos tend to think outside the box about relationships and life in general.
These characteristics allow solos to create fulfilling lives, whether they’re in a relationship or not. It’s about a mindset, not a relationship status.
McGraw’s journey: From bachelor to solo advocate
Peter McGraw’s path to becoming an advocate for solo living is deeply personal. As a lifelong bachelor, he often felt out of step with societal expectations. He recalls struggling in relationships, always feeling that there was something “wrong” with him for not wanting the traditional path of marriage and children.
It wasn’t until later in life that McGraw had a revelation: there wasn’t anything wrong with him; he simply wanted a different kind of life than what society prescribed. This epiphany led him to launch the Solo podcast, not as an expert, but as someone willing to openly celebrate single life.
McGraw’s journey illustrates a key principle of both the Solo Movement and CRD: that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships and happiness. His willingness to question societal norms and design a life that truly suited him — as do those in the Solo Movement — embodies the essence of conscious living.
The four faces of singlehood
McGraw categorises singles into four groups, providing a nuanced understanding of different approaches to solo living:
The “Someday” crowd: These are traditional singles who aspire to ride the “Relationship Escalator” — the conventional path of dating, exclusivity, cohabitation, marriage and children.
The “Just May”: These individuals are open to relationships but not actively seeking them. They’re content with their single status but remain open to the possibility of partnership if the right opportunity arises.
The “No Way”: This group has decided against romantic relationships entirely. They’ve found fulfilment in other areas of life and have consciously chosen to remain single.
The “New Way”: These individuals are pursuing non-traditional relationships. They might engage in ethical non-monogamy, maintain multiple deep friendships, or create chosen families that don’t conform to societal norms.
These categories provide a framework for understanding different approaches to solo living, much like CRD offers a framework for designing all types of relationships. They remind us that singlehood isn’t a monolithic experience, but a spectrum of choices and lifestyles.
Challenging the Relationship Escalator
The concept of the “Relationship Escalator” is central to understanding both the Solo Movement and Conscious Relationship Design. McGraw defines it as the societal expectation that romantic relationships should follow a predetermined path: dating, exclusivity, cohabitation, marriage, and often, children. It’s the default script that many of us unconsciously follow.
For solo individuals, stepping off this escalator can be both liberating and challenging. It means rejecting the notion that there’s only one valid path to happiness and fulfilment. Instead, solos design their own journey, which might include deep friendships, casual dating or focused personal growth.
CRD principles align perfectly with this rejection of the Relationship Escalator. Both encourage individuals to question societal norms and design relationships that truly suit their needs and desires. This might mean creating unconventional relationship structures or choosing to prioritise non-romantic connections.
Solo ENM: Blending independence and intimacy
But what about those who want to remain solo while still engaging in intimate connections? Enter Solo ENM (ethical non-monogamy). This practice combines the principles of solo living with the openness of ethical non-monogamy. It’s for those who value their independence but also enjoy forming meaningful, often sexual, connections with others.
Solo ENM challenges the binary thinking that often dominates discussions about relationships. It posits that one can be fundamentally single — maintaining autonomy over one’s life decisions and living space — while still engaging in intimate, ethical connections with others. This approach requires a high degree of self-awareness, communication skills and boundary-setting — all key components of CRD.
The CRD connection: Designing your solo life
The beauty of both the Solo Movement and Solo ENM is that they fit seamlessly into the CRD framework. Both approaches require intentionality, self-awareness and a willingness to challenge societal norms — all key elements of CRD. They invite us to ask ourselves: What do I truly want from my relationships? How can I design a life that aligns with my values and needs?
In the context of CRD, choosing solo living isn’t about rejecting relationships altogether. It’s about consciously designing a life that prioritises personal autonomy and self-fulfilment. This might involve cultivating deep friendships, engaging in meaningful work, pursuing passions or creating chosen families that don’t fit the traditional mould.
For those practicing Solo ENM, the design process becomes even more intricate. It involves crafting agreements with multiple partners, maintaining clear boundaries and regularly reassessing one’s needs and desires. It’s a prime example of how CRD principles can be applied to create unique, personalised relationship structures.
The challenges of going solo
Of course, choosing a solo lifestyle isn’t without its challenges. Society is still largely structured around the assumption of coupledom. Singles often face what sociologist Bella DePaulo calls “singlism” — stereotyping, prejudice and discrimination against single people. This can manifest in various ways, from well-meaning but patronising comments from family members to systemic disadvantages in areas like housing and healthcare.
Moreover, there’s the pervasive myth that single people are lonely or unfulfilled. This social pressure can be intense, leading some to question their choices or feel compelled to enter relationships they don’t truly want.
Another challenge is the lack of role models for successful solo living. While our culture is replete with examples of romantic partnerships, we see fewer representations of happy, fulfilled single people. This is where movements like McGraw’s become crucial, providing visibility and validation for those choosing a solo path.
The rewards of solo living
But the rewards of solo living can be significant. Research shows that singles often have more robust social networks than their married counterparts. They tend to be more physically active and more involved in their communities. They have the freedom to pursue personal passions, travel on a whim and design their lives without the need for compromise.
Solo living can also foster a deep sense of self-reliance and personal growth. Without a partner to lean on, singles often develop a strong sense of identity and the ability to meet their own emotional needs. This self-sufficiency can lead to increased confidence and life satisfaction.
Moreover, the skills developed through solo living — self-reliance, emotional resilience, the ability to form diverse social connections — can enrich all types of relationships, romantic or otherwise. As McGraw often points out, being good at being single makes you better at being coupled, should you choose that path later.
Contrary to the stereotype of singles as selfish, research indicates that single people often contribute more to their communities. They’re more likely to volunteer, care for ageing parents and maintain strong social networks. This challenges the notion that coupling up is the only way to live a meaningful, contributory life.
Living remarkably as a solo
The concept of living a “remarkable” life is at the heart of McGraw’s Solo Movement. But what does it mean to live remarkably as a single person?
For McGraw and many solos, it’s about leveraging the unique freedoms and opportunities that come with single life. This might mean pursuing ambitious career goals, travelling extensively or dedicating oneself to creative pursuits or community service. It’s about designing a life that’s true to your values and desires, unbounded by the compromises often required in traditional partnerships.
Living remarkably also means cultivating a rich social life. Contrary to stereotypes, many solos have vibrant social networks, as we’ve noted above. They often invest deeply in friendships, family relationships and community connections. These diverse relationships provide the emotional support and social interaction that others might primarily seek from a romantic partner.
In the context of CRD, living remarkably as a solo is about consciously designing every aspect of your life. It’s about making intentional choices about your living situation, your social connections, your personal goals, and yes, your romantic and sexual life (if you choose to have one). It’s about creating a life that’s fulfilling and joyful on your own terms.
Inspirational examples
The concept of living a “remarkable” life as a solo isn’t just theoretical — there are many inspiring examples of individuals who have chosen this path and thrived. Let’s look at a few notable figures who exemplify the solo lifestyle:
Bella DePaulo: Beyond her academic contributions to the study of single life, DePaulo herself, aged 70, is a proud lifelong single. She’s authored numerous books on the subject and continues to challenge societal assumptions about singlehood through her work and personal choices.
Oprah Winfrey: While she has had a long-term partnership with Stedman Graham, Oprah has chosen not to marry or have children. She’s often spoken about the freedom this has given her to focus on her career and philanthropic efforts.
Condoleezza Rice: The former US Secretary of State has never married, focusing instead on her remarkable career in politics and academia. She’s a prime example of how solo living can allow for dedication to public service and professional achievement.
Simone de Beauvoir: The renowned French philosopher and feminist chose to remain unmarried throughout her life, although she had significant relationships. Her choice reflected her belief in personal freedom and rejection of traditional female roles.
Leonardo da Vinci: Historical records suggest that the Renaissance polymath never married or had children, dedicating his life instead to his diverse pursuits in art, science and engineering.
Jane Austen: Despite writing some of the most beloved romantic novels in English literature, Austen herself never married. Her solo status allowed her the freedom to observe and write about the society around her.
Coco Chanel: The iconic fashion designer never married, preferring to focus on her career and maintaining her independence. She once famously said, “I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird.”
These individuals, among many others, demonstrate that solo living can be a path to remarkable achievements, personal fulfilment and societal contribution. They’ve leveraged their solo status to pursue their passions, build impressive careers, and in many cases, leave lasting legacies that continue to inspire others.
Their stories serve as powerful counterpoints to the notion that a coupled life is the only path to happiness or success. Instead, they showcase how solo living can provide the freedom and focus to pursue one’s goals and make a significant impact on the world.
Integrating solo living into CRD practice
Integrating solo living into CRD practice involves many of the same tools we’ve discussed in other contexts. It requires clear communication — not just with potential partners, but with friends, family and society at large. It involves setting boundaries, managing expectations and continually reassessing one’s needs and desires.
Here are some practical steps for those interested in exploring Solo Living or Solo ENM within a CRD framework:
Self-reflection: Start by deeply examining your wants, needs and values. What does an ideal life look like for you? How do relationships fit into that vision?
Challenging assumptions: Question the societal norms you’ve internalised about relationships. Are you choosing a path because it’s what you want, or because it’s what you think you should want?
Designing your solo life: Create intentional practices that support your solo lifestyle. This might involve cultivating hobbies, building a strong social network or creating rituals that bring you joy.
Communication: Be clear with others about your choices. This might involve having difficult conversations with family members who expect you to follow a traditional path.
Boundary setting: Establish clear boundaries that protect your autonomy and well-being. This is particularly important for those practicing Solo ENM.
Regular reassessment: As with any relationship design, solo living requires ongoing evaluation and adjustment. Regularly check in with yourself about what’s working and what might need to change.
For those interested in exploring Solo Living, McGraw’s resources — his book, podcast and Solo community— offer valuable insights and practical advice. The Solo Salon, a community aspect of the movement, provides a space for like-minded individuals to connect and share experiences.
The broader implications: Rethinking relationships
The Solo Movement and its integration with CRD principles have broader implications for how we think about relationships as a society. They challenge us to expand our definition of what constitutes a fulfilling life and a meaningful connection.
By validating solo living as a legitimate choice, we create space for more diverse relationship structures. We move away from the idea that there’s a single “right” way to live and love, and towards a more inclusive understanding of human connection.
This shift has potential ripple effects across various aspects of society. It could influence how we design our cities (with more consideration for single-person households), how we structure our workplaces (moving away from couple-centric benefits) and even how we tell stories in our media (featuring more positive representations of single characters).
Moreover, the emphasis on intentional design in both the Solo Movement and CRD encourages a more thoughtful, examined approach to all our relationships — romantic, platonic, familial and professional. It invites us to be more conscious about how we connect with others and how we structure our lives.
The takeaway
As we continue to explore different relationship styles through the lens of CRD, the Solo Movement offers yet another reminder that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to love and connection. Whether you’re practising polyamory, monogamy, solo living or anything in between, the key is to do so consciously and intentionally.
In the end, the goal of both CRD and the Solo Movement is the same: to empower individuals to create lives and relationships that truly work for them. As McGraw often says, “You don’t need a romantic partner to live a remarkable life.” And isn’t that what we’re all after? A life that’s remarkable, fulfilling and authentically our own?
The beauty of combining CRD principles with solo living is that it opens up a world of possibilities. It invites us to imagine and create relationship structures that might not have existed before. It challenges us to grow, to communicate more clearly and to take responsibility for our own happiness and fulfilment.
What do you think?
As we move forward, let’s continue to question, explore and design. Let’s create a world where all forms of ethical, consensual relationships are valued and where each person feels empowered to craft a life that resonates with their deepest truths. Whether that involves a lifelong partnership, a series of meaningful connections or a joyful, intentional solo journey, the choice is yours to consciously design.
This work is a piece from my current writing project on Conscious Relationship Design. If you’d like to read along and follow more, hit the “subscribe” button to get a notification when I publish new articles on this topic.
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