Guilt and pleasure, focusing on the fun part, and unspoken truths
This month in Hit Pause, Then Play, I talk about choosing pleasure over guilt, doing the hard things and speaking our harder truths
🤔 3 things I’m sitting with
1. Cutting the cord between guilt and pleasure (Play, Pleasure, Purpose)
I've been pondering the tension many of us seem to feel between guilt and pleasure lately. Why is it that we often attach shame to pursuits that ignite our senses and fill us with unbridled joy?
As I age (and some will say this was the case before I started “ageing”), I'm becoming ever more aware of how little time we have left. The years feel compressed now, tight, closing in. And it strikes me that far too many of us reach life's later seasons before giving ourselves permission to truly, shamelessly revel in the pleasures of the moment.
Just this morning, I was lying in bed with my 2.5-year-old grandson, watching the clouds drift slowly by (yes, a grandmother - that, too, has happened before I knew it - when all of life stretched out before me, and suddenly with the birth of my daughter’s exquisite child, much of it, somehow was not ahead, but behind me). We sought the moon together, a favourite pastime, but found only the languid, hypnotic movement of big white puffs across a rare blue sky. The way he stopped and stared, rapt, I'm not quite sure he had witnessed clouds like that before. In that sacred, uncomplicated moment, experiencing the world again through his fresh, unburdened eyes, we connected, present enough to receive the simple joys available to us - him and me (and you) - at every turn.
We're conditioned early on in the West to prioritise productivity and achievements over sensory delights. Leisure has been rebranded as "self-care" with an underlying implication that even rest and relaxation should serve our future productivity. Somewhere along the way, we learned to moralise pleasure as an indulgence only permitted through asceticism and hard work.
But we are sensory beings at our core. We require positive inputs to thrive - rich flavours, intoxicating scents, visceral sounds, tactile textures. These are not mere bonuses, but are integral to our well-being and vitality as living creatures. Just observe how instantly an infant lights up with delight at a new taste or the warmth of a soft blanket.
As my years accelerate, I've been meditating on how I want to spend whatever decades remain. Do I want to continue subtly reinforcing society's conditioning that pleasure is expendable, an afterthought to the daily grind of checklists and chores? Or do I want to cut the cord between guilt and joy, embracing my full sensory humanity?
Because here's what I know - when my time comes, I won't wish I missed out on more meetings or got to Inbox Zero faster. I'll wish I spent more Sundays chatting with my nearest and dearest, lolling about on the couch, our books open on our laps, coffee at our lips; stopped more often to marvel at a vivid sunset; took more aimless walks while smelling the fragrances of jasmine and fresh rain; spent more time tasting the complexities of an excellent wine while enjoying unhurried smiles and relaxed brows.
Those simple, unhurried pleasures - epilogues to the day's main acts - are life's intermezzi, retuning us to the present and awakening our primal appreciation for being. They are portals to fulfilment, not detours from it. So let's welcome them in, without apology.
2. Timely correspondence (Pause, Play and Pleasure)
A dear friend recently shared a thought-provoking writing exercise with me that I wanted to pass along. It's a way to explore our relationship with the inherently limited yet precious resource of time.
First, set a timer for 3 minutes. During that time, write a letter to Time itself. Write to Time as you would a friend. What would you say if you could? Would you plead for more of it, apologise for wasting it, or thank it for the beauty found in its impermanence? Don't overthink it, just let the words flow as they come.
When the 3 minutes are up, set the timer again and spend another 3 minutes, but this time, write as if Time itself is responding to your letter. How would this cosmic force address you? What perspective could it offer on your troubles or joys? What might its message be?
Here's an example of what my letters might look like:
Dear Time,
Fleeting, aren’t we? How quickly you seem to accelerate these days. How I long to pause you, bottle you, and selectively dole you out - savoring the remaining important moments left in this life. But you don't work that way, do you? Always charging ahead, unconcerned with my human limits …
Dear Julie,
There is no need to grasp or hoard me, for I have always been yours. I am the breath that expands your lungs, the rhythm that dances your heart. We are entwined, my dear. My simple gift is to be fully present, in each moment I unveil for you. There is nowhere else to go, nothing to chase - surrender to my loving embrace, and you will find yourself finally home.
By personifying time in this way, we can explore our experiences of how it expands and contracts, invigorates and fatigues us. We can playfully externalise our internal dialogues about never having enough of it, wishing we had used it more wisely, or simply being confounded by its puzzles.
So set your timer and write your correspondence with Time. I'd love to hear any shareable excerpts or reflections if you'd like to reply with them. An intimate tête-à-tête with Time itself awaits.
3. What humans can handle (Pause)
There's an intriguing premise I've been reflecting on lately - that as humans, we can really only effectively manage 2-3 major problem areas or stressors in our lives at any given time. Whether it's health, finances, relationships, work, or other big "buckets" of life, the theory goes that once we exceed that cognitive and emotional bandwidth, we become overwhelmed and start unravelling.
Beyond the four biggies I listed, other potential major stress areas could include loss/grief, parenting, housing challenges, education, caregiving responsibilities, or legal issues. We all have our particular challenges that take up immense mental real estate.
The 2-3 problem area "limit" seems to track with what psychologists have discovered about our finite reserves of willpower and how decision fatigue impairs our ability to manage everything with laser focus all the time. We're just not wired for that level of perpetual juggling act.
So how can we operate optimally within those limitations? For one, ruthlessly prioritising where we direct our energies at any life stage is key. Being radically honest about what truly deserves our profound attention and seeing other perceived "fires" for what they are - background noise.
It's also about looking at life not as something to "get right" all at once, but as more of a sequential unfolding where certain problem areas will naturally ebb and flow based on our age and circumstances. For example, early adulthood may be consumed with work and relationships, while later years bring more of a health and caregiving focus. Strategically letting go of some problems for a while can be wise.
There's something calming, for me at least, about accepting that I can really only effectively wrestle with a couple of major life areas at a time. That frees up psychic space to fully buckle down on those two or three vs. having ten competing priorities constantly vying for my limited resources. It's giving myself permission to be human, with all the glorious flaws and constraints that entails.
What do you think? Do you agree with the 2-3 problem area premise? Which major stress sources would you add or prioritise at your current life stage? I'm certainly still juggling, as I transition into my “third act”, but reframing it this way helps keep my internal pendulum from swinging too far in either direction. How about you?
📚 2 things that are inspiring me
📰 I, Cyborg: Using Co-Intelligence: How I used AI in my book about AI, by
- This article dovetails with some of the ways I am writing at the moment and it comes from someone well-respected in AI . I wonder how many writers and authors will use AI to read and critique their work as Ethan and I appear to be doing. I wonder how many writers are using or will use AI to improve their work. What about the already-great writers?
All the evidence we have is that the most advanced LLMs write better than most people, but worse than good writers.
2. 💭 “When you're doing something hard, focus on the fun part. Many people make a subtle mistake, which is they emphasize how difficult it is to do something. They tell themselves writing is hard or running is hard or math is hard. And so on. The dominant thought in their mind is that this is hard to do.
And it is true these things (and many others in life) can be challenging.
Meanwhile, people who thrive in a given area are often emphasizing a completely different aspect of the experience. They are thinking about how it feels good to move their body rather than telling themselves exercise is hard. Or, perhaps, they aren't really thinking much at all. They may slip into a trance during their run, a meditative rhythm.
But what they are almost certainly not doing is repeating a mental story about how hard it is to do the thing. Their dominant thought is about some element of the experience they enjoy. They are working hard, but with the fun part in mind." - James Clear
🔥1 spark for you
It is easier to say my tooth hurts than it is to say my heart is broken.
- CS Lewis
And you?
Anything else?
💌You might like one of my recent posts
Your “One Wild and Precious Life” — And Another? - What would you do if you had three lives? What if you already do?
Voices of Polyamory: Personal Journeys in Loving More Than One - The fourth in a series on Designing Love: Exploring Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy
From Taboo to Truth: Conversations that Create Closer Connections - Unlock deeper connections with your partner, friends, family and wider community by opening the Box of Taboos through courageous, judgment-free conversations on sex and sexuality.
💡Join me!
👫 🤝 Design your ideal relationships 💕 - Join me for a free online Conscious Relationship Design session! We can work on designing an element of your romantic and intimate partnerships or, if you prefer, an element of your platonic relationships (as a solo individual and/or with family, friends and colleagues). Find out more here and here.
Hire me (and the other Captains in Captains of Leadership) to help you lead and facilitate change, growth and connection - If you’d like engagement and impact to be a regular part of your gatherings, let’s work together. Connect with me on LinkedIn. Even better, let’s talk.
Sign up for productivity and wellness coaching - As a veteran of the Productivity Wars, I bring a new approach to well-being and doing more with less (see Oliver Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks for a clue). With a decade of experience in working with clients around the world, I’d love to work with you as well. Let's chat about how. I currently have 1 coaching spot open for 2024.
Support my book - If you’d like to be in the exclusive group of “first readers”, speak with me about your own conscious relationship design practices or have a conversation on some of my book’s more controversial topics, pop me an email. I’d love to pick your brain! Also, please subscribe to this newsletter and follow me on Medium if you haven’t already. Big thanks in advance for your support … and if you have friends who might be curious about Conscious Relationship Design and/or the 5Ps, spread the joy: share this newsletter!🫶
🙏Thank you
Thanks for reading. You can get more actionable ideas and links in this free newsletter by clicking “Subscribe now” below. Each month, I share:
3 things I’m sitting with related to Pause, Play, Passion, Purpose and Pleasure
2 things that are inspiring me
1 question or quote to spark you
Join me by entering your email. See you next month! 👋