Designing Power: Influence, Control and Choice in Conscious Relationships
Power shapes every relationship — whether we see it or not. What happens when we bring it into the light and design for it intentionally?
Eva sits at her kitchen table, fingers wrapped around a cooling mug of coffee, as her partner Marcus paces the room.
“I just don’t understand why you need to travel so much for work”, he says, voice tight with frustration. “Can’t you do more from home?”
The scene appears to be about travel, about work-life balance, about time spent apart. But peek beneath the surface, and you’ll find what really lies at the heart of their tension: power.
Every day, in kitchens, bedrooms and boardrooms across the world, these small moments accumulate. Who speaks? Who stays silent? Who compromises? Who stands firm? Power moves through our relationships like an invisible current, shaping our lives in ways we rarely stop to examine.
Power dynamics — those invisible forces that determine who influences whom, who decides what and how, and controls ebbs and flows between people — shape our relationships in ways both subtle and profound.
We see this played out dramatically in Nicole Kidman’s “Babygirl”, where what appears to be a simple story of an older executive and younger intern becomes a masterclass in power’s fluidity. “I could get you fired with one phone call”, the intern tells his CEO lover, upending our assumptions about who truly holds control.
Beyond traditional power structures
While Eva and Marcus navigate power within their shared home, other couples are finding different ways to approach these dynamics. Consider Kai and Maya, who chose to live apart after five years of marriage.
“Everyone thought we were crazy,” Maya tells me over video chat from her city apartment, while Kai nods from their suburban home on a split screen. “But living apart actually forced us to be more intentional about power.” Their Living Apart Together (LAT) arrangement emerged from a series of honest conversations about autonomy, space and control — conversations that would reshape their understanding of relationship power entirely.
These dynamics manifest in our daily lives in countless ways — from who manages the shared digital calendar to who carries the mental load of remembering birthdays. They surface in whose career takes precedence, who initiates sex, even whose social media presence gets priority in couple photos.
But what happens when we bring these dynamics into the light? When we consciously examine and design for them, rather than letting them silently direct our relationships? To understand how power shapes our connections — and how we can shape it in return — we must first recognise its many forms.
The many faces of power
When we think about power in relationships, we tend to picture the obvious: who earns more, who owns the house, who has the more prestigious job.
But power is more complex than titles and paychecks - and it looks different across cultures and contexts. It exists on a spectrum, from the explicitly negotiated to the nearly invisible. In many East Asian relationships, for instance, power often flows through subtle expressions of respect and obligation rather than overt control.
Our relationship to power isn’t random. It’s shaped by past relationships, cultural messages and accumulated experiences. But while unconscious power dynamics often breed resentment, conscious power exchange — whether in unconventional or traditional relationships — creates space for authentic connection through awareness and consent.
Studies show that relationship satisfaction isn’t about the presence or absence of power differentials, but about how power is experienced. The healthiest relationships are not the ones without power dynamics but the ones that acknowledge and actively engage with them — across cultures, contexts and communication channels.
Power in the digital age
For Kai and Maya, their first power audit revealed surprising insights. “I thought living apart would automatically balance things,” Kai explains. “But then we realised I still had this invisible power over our social schedule because I managed our shared calendar. Maya was always waiting for my availability.” Maya adds, “And I controlled our narrative on social media — I was the one posting about our ‘unconventional but amazing’ arrangement. I was shaping how everyone saw us.”
Recent research suggests that power imbalances manifest differently in the digital age. Couples report new forms of control through read receipts, location sharing and social media boundaries. A partner who always keeps their location private while expecting transparency from the other. The person who takes hours to respond to messages while demanding immediate replies. These digital dynamics can be as impactful as traditional power plays.
Designing power consciously
Understanding power dynamics is one thing; consciously designing them is another entirely. In Conscious Relationship Design, we begin with a radical premise: relationships don’t just happen to us — we can craft them intentionally, power dynamics and all.
One of the most structured approaches to power awareness comes from the world of BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sadism), where power is negotiated rather than assumed. Before a scene begins, partners set boundaries, establish safe words and agree on dynamics. This level of intentionality might seem extreme for everyday relationships, but it offers valuable lessons for all partnerships.
Tools for power-aware relationships
Maya and Kai’s journey illustrates how conscious tools can transform relationship dynamics.
“At first, we thought living apart would automatically solve our power struggles,” Maya reflects. “But distance just made them more subtle. We needed tools.”
They began with a simple Power Audit Framework, mapping their relationship’s power flows across three domains: practical decisions (who manages what), emotional labour (who carries which invisible burdens) and digital dynamics (who controls their shared online life).
When they applied the framework, it revealed patterns that went far beyond the obvious power differentials. They discovered power imbalances in their digital intimacy — Kai, they realised, almost always initiated video calls, while Maya controlled their text rhythm, often taking hours to respond while expecting quick replies.
Their meeting schedule followed subtle power lines too: Maya, with her more demanding job, implicitly determined their in-person visits by sharing her “available” weekends, which Kai then worked around. Even their social media dynamics carried hidden power implications — Maya curated their public story through carefully chosen photos and captions, while Kai maintained veto power over what could be shared.
“The framework helped us see patterns we’d been blind to,” Kai explains. “Like how I unconsciously deferred to Maya’s food preferences when we did meet up, or how she automatically took charge of maintaining our relationships with mutual friends. These weren’t conscious power plays — they were habits we’d fallen into without realising.”
Cultural and digital dimensions
A Cultural Power Assessment added another layer of understanding. Maya’s Chinese-American background meant she carried different expectations about family obligations and decision-making than Kai, whose British upbringing emphasised individual autonomy. These cultural differences shaped how they approached everything from financial decisions to family visits.
Digital Power Mapping proved equally revealing for them. Who had access to which passwords? Who managed shared subscriptions? Who archived their shared photos? In our connected age, these digital domains carry their own power currency. For Kai and Maya, creating a conscious digital power-sharing agreement became as important as their physical space arrangements.
The power of conscious design
Successful couples don’t avoid discussing power — they actively shape how it functions in their relationship. Instead of power settling into unconscious ruts, they conduct regular audits, have conversations and check in frequently: Who makes which decisions? How do we handle disagreements? What happens when one of us needs more autonomy or more support?
Power imbalances: Recognition and response
Power in relationships is rarely static — it shifts and evolves, often dramatically during life transitions. For Kai and Maya, this became clear when Maya received an unexpected promotion. “Suddenly, I was travelling more than ever,” Maya explains. “The power balance we’d carefully crafted around our LAT arrangement started to crumble.”
These power shifts often manifest in subtle ways. A partner who earns more might influence financial choices without explicit discussion — the hesitation before suggesting an expensive restaurant, the expectation that career sacrifices will always be made by the lower earner. Emotional power follows a different logic: The person less invested in the relationship often holds more control, dictating the terms of closeness and distance. Maya found herself unconsciously wielding both types of power after her promotion — financial through her increased salary, and emotional through her reduced availability.
Power is easier to feel than to articulate — often surfacing as a vague sense of unfairness, a quiet resentment or a growing reluctance to voice needs. These feelings become especially acute during life transitions, whether career changes, health challenges, or family expansions. A partner who becomes a caregiver might find their autonomy shrinking. A stay-at-home parent returning to work may upset long-established decision-making patterns. Even retirement can reshape power dynamics that have existed for decades.
The difference between conscious power exchange and unhealthy control is consent. When power is used as a tool for coercion rather than negotiation, it moves into abuse. The presence of fear, rather than trust, is the clearest indicator of an unhealthy dynamic.
Cultural backgrounds often determine how couples navigate these shifts. “In my Chinese-American family,” Maya notes, “career success comes with family obligations. My promotion meant I was suddenly expected to take a more active role in caring for my aging parents. Kai struggled to understand why this wasn’t negotiable.”
Generational differences add another layer of complexity. Millennials like Kai and Maya approach power differently than their Baby Boomer parents. While previous generations often accepted implicit power structures, younger couples tend to demand explicit negotiations. “My parents think it’s strange how much we talk about power,” Kai admits. “For them, some things were just understood.”
Research shows that couples who successfully navigate power shifts share three characteristics:
They recognise power dynamics as fluid rather than fixed.
They communicate about power changes before they become problematic.
They’re willing to redesign their relationship agreements as circumstances change.
Practical tools for power navigation
Understanding power dynamics is essential; having concrete tools to recognise and navigate them is crucial. I always suggest starting with these diagnostic questions:
Do I feel I can say no without consequences? If refusing a request leads to guilt, withdrawal or conflict, an imbalance may be at play.
Who usually accommodates? Who makes sacrifices?
Who feels responsible for keeping things running smoothly?
These questions helped Kai and Maya identify their power patterns before implementing more structured tools.
Relationship Agreements
Many couples begin their power-conscious journey with a relationship agreement — not a rigid contract, but a living conversation that evolves over time. These agreements can be as simple as:
“We agree not to mix finances — we will both contribute to a joint account for living expenses.”
“We agree to take turns planning date nights rather than defaulting to one person.”
“We agree to alternate who makes social plans with friends and family.”
The Empathy Canvas
Tools like the Empathy Canvas help make invisible power dynamics visible by mapping out emotions, needs and expectations. It reveals essential patterns: Who carries the mental load? Who initiates affection? Who takes responsibility for social plans?
The Power Check-In Framework
Regular check-ins about power dynamics can start with simple observations and grow into more structured conversations. Here’s how to progress:
Starting the conversation
Begin with gentle observations about patterns you’ve noticed:
“I’ve noticed I tend to make most of our plans — how do you feel about that?”
“Lately, I’ve felt like my preferences don’t get as much weight. Can we check in about how we make decisions?”
Deepening the discussion
Move to more structured explorations:
“Where do you feel you have less influence than you’d like?”
“What decisions would you like to be more involved in?”
“Are there areas where you feel your voice isn’t being heard?”
Regular maintenance
Schedule periodic power audits to discuss:
Changes in relationship dynamics
Shifts in responsibilities
Evolution of decision-making patterns
New areas needing attention
Maya explains how she and Kai use this framework: “We started with simple observations about our text response patterns. That opened the door to deeper conversations about digital boundaries, which eventually led to our comprehensive digital power-sharing agreement.”
Digital Power-Sharing Agreement
Create explicit agreements about:
Response time expectations for messages
Location sharing preferences
Social media boundaries
Password sharing and digital access
Cultural Adaptation Guidelines
Identify cultural assumptions about power
Discuss family expectations explicitly
Create hybrid approaches that honour different backgrounds
The Transition Protocol
Before major life changes:
Map current power dynamics
Identify potential shifts
Create contingency plans
Schedule more frequent check-ins during transition periods
For example, when Maya’s promotion arrived, she and Kai implemented their transition protocol: “We sat down and literally mapped out how each aspect of our relationship might change,” Maya explains. “Who would initiate our video calls now? How would we handle the reduced flexibility in my schedule? Having these conversations before the change helped us navigate it more smoothly.”
Remember, tools should be adapted to your specific situation. A young couple balancing startup careers might need different approaches than empty nesters reimagining their relationship. The key is consistency in using whatever tools you choose.
Designing resilient power dynamics
Long-term power balance isn’t about achieving perfect equality — it’s about creating relationship structures — and power dynamics — flexible enough to bend without breaking. “It’s like building earthquake-resistant architecture,” Maya reflects. “You need a strong foundation, but also enough flexibility to move with the tremors.”
Some couples find this resilience through regular relationship rituals. A successful polyamorous triad in Seattle maintains power balance through monthly “state of the union” meetings, where each partner takes turns facilitating. A Malaysian-American couple combines traditional family councils with modern power-sharing agreements, creating a hybrid approach that honours both their cultural heritage and contemporary needs.
The key to resilience often lies in unexpected places. A lesbian couple in their sixties discovered that separately maintained passion projects — one’s community gardening, the other’s local politics — created natural power balance through mutual admiration and independence. An interfaith couple found that alternating which holidays take precedence each year helped them navigate cultural power dynamics.
For Kai and Maya, their breakthrough came six months after Maya’s promotion. “We realised we’d been trying to control everything,” Kai explains. “The schedule, the visits, the decisions. Once we accepted that some things could remain fluid, power became less of a struggle.” Maya adds, “Now we focus on what matters most — feeling secure in our connection, whether we’re together or apart.”
This insight — that power dynamics require both structure and flexibility — brings us back to Eva and Marcus in their kitchen. Their struggle over travel and work arrangements isn’t really about location or schedules. It’s about finding ways to share power that honour both their needs for autonomy and connection.
The most resilient relationships aren’t those without power differentials, but those that turn these struggles into opportunities for deeper understanding. They create what relationship scientists like myself call “power-conscious partnerships” — relationships where power is neither ignored nor fought over, but consciously designed and regularly reimagined.
As Maya puts it, “Power isn’t something to solve once and for all. It’s more like doubles tennis — you need to know when to step forward and when to give your partner space to make the play. The key is learning to move as a team.”
What do you think?
Power shows up in every relationship, whether we talk about it or not. So let’s talk about it.
As you reflect on your own relationships, I invite you to consider:
Power patterns
Where do you see power flowing in your relationships?
Which digital dynamics influence your connections most strongly?
How do cultural backgrounds shape your power expectations?
Personal reflection
What power patterns have you inherited from your family or culture?
How do you typically respond when feeling powerless?
Where might you be unconsciously wielding power?
Taking action
Choose one power dynamic to examine this week.
Try a simple power check-in with your partner.
Notice where cultural — or gender — expectations influence your relationships.
The question isn’t whether power exists in your relationships — it’s whether you’re consciously designing how it flows. As Kai and Maya discovered, bringing power into the light doesn’t diminish connection — it deepens it.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you ever had an “aha” moment about power in your relationships? Have you tried renegotiating power dynamics with a partner? Let’s keep the conversation going — drop a comment or share your experience below.
Additional resources
Conscious Relationship Design: How It Works
This work is a piece from my current writing project on Conscious Relationship Design. If you’d like to read along and follow more, hit the “subscribe” button to get a notification when I publish new articles on this topic.
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