A sexagenarian speaks, fictions we live by, and mining the promise of the unknown

This month in Hit Pause, Then Play, I share wisdom from a sexagenarian and delve into the importance of pause and uncertainty. Plus, a challenge to uncover what you can do most beautifully.

Photo by Chris Galbraith on Unsplash

🤔 3 things I’m thinking

1. And now for something completely different (Passion and Pleasure)

There's a subtle shift in the air lately. As summer unfolds, it seems to have sparked a quiet urge to shake things up, to venture beyond the familiar lines of our routines. I've been hearing whispers from friends and clients about unexpected forays into new territories, and I find myself intrigued.

Consider this: a seasoned tax professional, long accustomed to the intricacies of fiscal regulations, now finds herself on stage, microphone in hand, coaxing nervous laughter from a room of strangers with surprisingly risqué material. Or picture a 64-year-old first-time painter, hands steady with newfound purpose, bringing delicate flora to life through Chinese watercolours. These aren't fictional characters, but real people in my orbit, cautiously trying on new identities.

It's as if we've decided to gently set aside our carefully curated personas, curious to see what might emerge in their absence. A female inventor contemplates taking a class in design thinking, while a writer with an ever-growing to-read pile considers venturing into reading science fiction, required homework for a new class. (Though privately, I wonder if life isn't too fleeting to read anything but what is calling us in our coveted to-read piles.)

As for me, I've found myself wielding oversized pruning shears, taming an overgrown garden while tenor sax notes drift on the breeze. It's a subtle variation on old themes, a familiar melody played in a slightly different key.

There's something quietly compelling about this impulse to explore, to seek out new sources of meaning or challenge. It serves as a gentle reminder that we're not fixed entities, but works in progress, slowly evolving and occasionally surprising ourselves.

So I pose this question: What unexpected avenue might you explore this summer? What long-dormant curiosity whispers for attention? Perhaps there's no age limit on reinvention, no expiration date on discovery.

In this ongoing experiment of life, why not conduct a few thoughtful side studies? You might uncover a source of satisfaction - and pleasure - you never anticipated. Heaven knows we could all use a bit more of that.

So consider that tango class, or learning to sing, or even exploring shibari. Whatever it is, approach the unfamiliar with open curiosity. And if you're so inclined, share your experiences - I'll be here, tending my garden, riffing on life's varied possibilities.

2. Research (Play and Pleasure)

Loyal readers will know I’ve been doing a fair amount of research this last year, digging into alternative and traditional relationship models. I’ve been interviewing and befriending some pretty fantastic people - people just like you and me - and people who are maybe a little different from yourself. But not that much.

One of my favourite people at the moment is Tris Harkness (not her real name). I first discovered her when I read her piece on Medium called At 68, I’m Having the Best Sex of My Life. I went on to read more of her work and, after a time, wrote to her to ask her for an interview. I mean, who wouldn’t want to talk to her? I was dying to learn more of her story, and more importantly, more about her.

We couldn’t talk right away - as her life and mine are complicated - but we could email, and so that’s what we’ve been doing. She asked me to send her some questions, which I did. And she started answering them. She published the first five questions and her responses on Medium here. Here is one of them:

Click the image to access the full article or click here: https://medium.com/sensual-enchantment/she-had-questions-about-my-sex-life-d8fcfe966842

I mean, how incredibly wonderful is this? Some of you may be hiding your eyes at the moment (Open marriage?!? What?!? In her 60s?!?), and that’s okay. You can hide your eyes. But think about it. Think about what she discovered about herself - in the face of societal programming (older women are unattractive, older women are invisible, older women with one breast are ugly, older women are undeserving of healthy intimacy). She discovered all of those things were untrue. She is beautiful. She is desirable. She is deserving. And not only did she discover these things. She is experiencing being beautiful, desirable and deserving. Think about her last line:

… each day is more pleasurable and I’m happier overall.

This is what I wish for all of us.

Conscious Relationship Design: Reimagining Freedom and Autonomy in Intimate Connections

3. Fictions (Pause)

Warning: This section is a little sad. You can skip or scan it if that feels better for you.

And aren’t relationships the most powerful fictions of all?

There's a bittersweet irony in how we build our lives around stories that may be little more than shared illusions. Relationships - those cornerstones of human experience - are perhaps the most elaborate fictions of all. We craft intricate narratives of love, commitment and understanding, hoping that through sheer force of belief, we can make them real.

But what if, in the end, these are just stories we tell ourselves to ward off the chill of deep, inextricable loss?

The malleability of memory - those new, warped versions we dredge up every time we dig back in - adds another layer. Our recollections shift and morph, coloured by present emotions and desires. The tender moments we cherish, the promises we hold dear - how much of it is (or was) true, and how much is (or was) a comforting myth we've woven around ourselves?

In my explorations of alternative and traditional relationship models, I've encountered countless variations on these personal fables. Monogamous partners closing down and logging out and having something on the side, age-gap relationships seeking something fresh and exciting across generational contexts, couples redefining the boundaries of commitment and opening up or recommitting to exclusivity - each believing they've found a way to ease the chill of deep, inextricable loss. But are they simply replacing one fiction with another, equally fragile?

There's a haunting quality to this realisation. The relationships we pour ourselves into, that shape our very identities, may be as ephemeral as mist. Yet we cling to them, these beautiful stories, because the alternative - their loss and all that comes of such loss - is too stark to bear.

Perhaps the most poignant aspect is our willingness to keep writing these stories, even knowing their likely impermanence. We throw ourselves into love's embrace, craft intricate bonds of friendship and family, all while some part of us knows that it may - it will - all dissolve like a dream upon waking.

In the end, maybe it's not the veracity of our relational narratives that matters, but the depth of feeling and meaning they engender while we're living them.

So we continue to write, to revise, to believe - because in a world of unknowing, these shared stories are the closest thing to feeling - and to meaning - we possess.

Click the image to access the article for free - or access it here: https://wapo.st/4eS7BeD.

💡 2 things that are inspiring me

1. 🎙️ Podcasts: I’ve been looking for things that soothe the soul these last few weeks, and I’ve found them! Here are three that have been perfect in more ways than one:

   
   🎙️ Julia Gets Wise with Anne Lamott - Author of Bird by Bird and 19 other books, 70-year-old Lamott shares wisdom on recovery, perfectionism and falling in love at 65. She also beautifully describes what we should do when one of us is hurting.
   
   🎙️ Animal - This short six-episode podcast from The New York Times is poignant, moving, quirky and funny: for me, the perfect kind of balm for the soul. As it says on the podcast homepage: “In a broken world, what can we gain by looking another animal in the eye? Join the writer Sam Anderson on a six-part, round-the-world journey in search of an answer.” Beautiful. Go listen. And tell me which episode you loved best. I’ll tell you mine … 😄
   

   
   🎙️ Mr. Apology an episode from Criminal - This was recommended by the fabulous

   Lianna Patch
   (if you don’t know her, go know her), and it was the perfect listen that day I lost all faith in humanity (again). Don’t worry, I’m digging myself back out of the hole, with help from podcasts like this one.
   
   Here’s the lead-in: “In 1980, posters appeared in subway stations and on telephone poles in New York City with a phone number to call. When you called it, you would hear a message: ‘This is Apology. Apology is not associated with the police or any other organization but rather is a way for you to tell people what you have done wrong and how you feel about it.’” Hooked? Give it a listen. It’ll make you feel better … mostly.
   
   💛 BONUS: If you’re suffering right now, I found this new piece by
   Jonathan Fields
   , another perfect balm. In addition to mindfulness, breathing, people and writing, loyal readers know I also swear by exercise, time in nature, eating well (when we can) and sleeping (when we can). Pain, as Jonathan says, can only be turned into possibility when we have the inner and outer resources. “For far too many, pain is just pain. Wishing more upon people, without also addressing the resourcing side of the equation, simply deepens the suffering.” Read the full piece here: The Truth About Suffering and Growth. 💛
   
   

2. 📚 Books: Uncertain: The Wisdom and Wonder of Being Unsure by Maggie Jackson - The book I rise faithfully with every morning and spend the day thinking about. There is so much here. The importance of uncertainty, the place where we “mine the promise of the unknown.” The importance of pausing for 6 minutes when learning something new or breaking up and returning to concepts over the course of a week over learning (and forgetting) them in a day. The importance of forgetting - and recalling - doing the work of searching and regaining or reconstructing links. The importance of not attaching to our first thought, our first idea, and of questioning it, flipping it on its head, and asking what would happen if we believed the opposite. I could go on and on, but I won’t. You should read it. It’s beautifully written - and it works no matter where you are on the uncertainty spectrum.

In remembering, the mind is haunting itself, reconstructing associations, replaying, and reconsolidating experience once again. And the more lost in the corridors of memory we allow ourselves to be, the more understanding we can gain. - Maggie Jackson in Uncertain

🔥1 spark for you

What can you do most beautifully?

Borrowed from the brilliant

Jonathan Fields

(2 mentions in one newsletter?!? JF is making my day these days), who dug deep and found the original quote by the exquisite

George Saunders

. Read Jonathan’s post here and, if you are so inclined, tell Jonathan, tell me.

What can you do most beautifully?

I’d - and I’m sure, he’d - love to know.

Anything else?

💌You might like one of my recent posts

From Guesswork to Growth: The Empathy Canvas Method

The Seismic Shift: Navigating Manhood in the Modern Dating Landscape

Navigating the Complexities: Challenges in Polyamorous Relationships

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🙏Thank you

Thanks for reading. You can get more actionable ideas and links in this free newsletter by clicking “Subscribe now” below. Each month, I share:

• 3 things I’m thinking

• 2 things that are inspiring me

• 1 question to spark you

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